Some Things

30 May, 2026

How is it already the end of May? How did time past that fast? What the hell happened.

Anyways, awesomely enough, I've managed to be productive again! Yippie yahoo yes I came to my miniblog to celebrate that. I feel a bit awesome about it because uh last week was like screaming pain and anguish rolled into a ball. I still miss my dog a lot, and I feel the abscence of them both so much more since they're both gone. I'm trying not to focus on it. Been going through some other stuff too. I kind of want to traumadump, but I don't know if I want to put that all publicly. I feel like it's not something I really want spread around but it's been causing a lot of anguish in the background. It's definitely taken a toll. But I feel like it might be slowly ending. Or who knows, maybe I'm so far off base that I don't even know. Been telling myself it'll pass in a few months and it'll all be water under the bridge, it'll be smooth sailing. Or at least I hope it will.

Either that or I'm crashing out at like 4 am while listening to Chappell Roan again.

Ending this by saying I'm going to do more things and actually deliver on it though because I've been feeling betterish. Or as betterish as I can. So here's to putting more things on the site finally.

Oh and I made it to the front page of MFC but didn't get potd again but I aint ever getting that lmao. Not that it matters. But I find it funny that like ages ago I got potd with no effort on an account I deleted because I wanted to name change and then never again.

Things really be happening. Yes that's a new shelf. Don't ask me where all this came from and what happened because it's a long story. Yes you'll see it and other stuff when I finally do that room tour. And I keep meaning to do it. But I always have to do stuff during the day and I wanna take pictures in natural light.

Also I'm almost at 250 followers and 500k views oh gosh. Thanks Neocities!

Darling

24 May, 2026

It's like 8 am, I haven't slept, I'm online having a rather... interesting conversation with a friend, and I'm just like looping Maretu's music over and over again because I'm admittedly still really fucking out of it. But I've been good on taking my pills to a degree, so things aren't too bad I suppose, despite everything that happened earlier this week. I of course am not doing great with the weird empty gap in my schedule. I miss my dogs dearly more than ever, and the abscence of them both is felt even heavier than just one of them being gone. But at the same time, we deep cleaned all their stuff, as painful as it was, because I unfortunately have god awful allergies, and thus we had to do it. But I suppose it feels better that its done.

I have been kind of making a few minor changes here and there, but most of my work is admittedly behind the scenes. Been working on getting some of the pages I've been putting off adding for a while back online, and completing some of the other things I've left unfinished. I'm trying to do better with working on the site. It's just hard. Admittedly I think the depression between the time I got really sick and like now has just kind of spiraled out of control and I've not had any like updates of substance. So I'm trying to have actual updates and not me just coming on my blog and complaining about FF14, the game I have the worst relationship with.

Speaking of that game, I did fantasia. I felt like making my character look like my yume oc because like... I dunno I enjoy the delusions with her LOL. I think they're the only thing keeping me sane right now.

I know my recent update in the story play was very recent, like a week ago, but for me that was several months. I had Halo's old design as the pink catgirl for quite a while, so doing something new is kinda fun.

I also updated my entry in the S/I ring. Might apply for other Yume rings. Debating. I know some of them really require you to have a yume page/shrine and I haven't even drawn like art of my ship or anything but uhhh it's all a work in progress hahahaha. I'm going to burry my face in my hands though because sometimes you have a type of character you're like "oh my god who is this dumbass?" and then you fall hard. Like down a flight of stairs. I been trying to deal with this for like 2 years now and just kinda reckon with these feelings and I'm like idk... I'm screaming. I wanna smooch his face. Don't look at me. I feel like I'm failing at being a lesbian, but I am like still attracted to women of all kinds and like 1 fictional man.

Anyways Servant of Evil came on while I was mindlessly listening to music and now I am very depressed I gotta... I gotta go this song still gets me Vocaloid songs are so fucking powerful. Holy shit.

These are always the entries I never want to make

20 May, 2026

Warning: This entry has to do with animal death. If you don't wish to read about that, I suggest skipping this entry.

It was hard the first time it happened. I don't know why I thought it'd be a bit easier the second time it happened. In fact, it probably just feels worse. Like it was inevitable. I knew that it would happen at some point. I just didn't think it was going to be so soon. And I didn't think that it would have happened when everyone stepped away.

Today, around 1 PM, Felix passed away. He was the other of our two dogs. Our suspicion is cardiac arrest because he was suddenly panting a lot. This hasn't been anything new with him, he's always been a bit chubby. Ate a lot. To the point we'd call him a little vacuum. But last night he didn't eat most of his dinner. And apparently this morning he ate none of his breakfast. Guess we should have kind of figured that out.

Still, it just stings a lot. It hurts to think that being out of the room for just a few moments meant that he passed without any of us around. My grandma had gotten out of the shower, told me something was wrong, and I felt him and he was just cold.

We knew his health was declining fast but I didn't think it'd be this fast.

I don't know what to do. I feel like shit for laying in my bed and being depressed about everything to the point I couldn't even be there for him in his final moments. He was just all alone. I can't help but think about him last night barking and crying when I was half asleep. Maybe I should have brought him in my room with me, even if he makes my allergies bad. Now I can never see him again.

I don't know what to do or how to feel. My mom keeps texting me and making things worse with insensitive comments. I spent time crying to a friend about things. But I just feel empty. I remember I made plans to get up somewhat early, finally work on grabbing pictures for room tour and some other stuff on the site I hadn't taken care of yet, but all I can do is sit at my desk and cry now.

I feel like I failed my dog. Like I get it, I'm not a miracle worker. I can't cure cancer. I can't just make the lives of dogs longer. But I should have been there.

I've been told to take comfort in the fact that he's no longer suffering, but it's just hard.

Ebb and Flow

14 May, 2026

It's weird how you become aware of time as you stare idly at your own ceiling. But the instant you're doing something it's like you don't notice it at all. Needless to say, I'm a bit... whatever these days. I finally started working on things again. Just told myself that it'll become easier to power forward if I just sit down and commit to working on stuff rather than getting overwhelmed and just tossing out another blog entry as a hold over for literally everything. That and I fixed quite a few things here and there. Kinda weird how that happens. I noticed my calendar keeps stretching my front page as well lol. Well, I suppose I did finally make some of the updates promised. It feels better to do that. But there's still a lot of work. I think my next big project will be going through my art and my cds.

I spent the last week watching a bit of anime to kind of get my mind off stuff. I watched a lot of things. I'm actually going to attempt to finish Bleach at some point, because I always got stuck at the same part. I'm also going to go back to FF14 for a while. And also I bought a lot of stuff. I said I wanted to do a room tour, but I think I might wait til I have it all in. I got some new shelves, and quite a few new figures. I probably just have an addiction at this rate, but I'm trying to be responsible at the very least.

I also started doing better about making sure to take my pills earlier in the day. Maybe if I'm lucky, depression won't claim my sleep schedule, and I'll start being awake most of the day rather than the night.

My family asked me what I want for my birthday next month, but truth be told, I don't really know. I already got a stick blender. It's made me a bit more proactive in cooking. Maybe one day I'll be a better cook in general. That way when my grandparents are gone, they can live on through the recipes they taught me.

Maybe that will be my next project. My own list of recipes... It'll give me a reason to see my great grandmother, as well.

Oh yeah, and I finally added a cursor back on all this. I had forgotten about that.

I suppose that's all the thoughts in my head that aren't endless depression vomit for right now.