It All Catches Up to You at the Worst Times
15 Jun, 2026
I'm sure I'm not the first person out there to say that they've struggled to come to terms with certain parts of their personality, their gender, their place in life, and how it slots into society. I mean, I feel like that's the thing that most of us struggle with. If you're not born under the lucky stars of being cishet and perfectly content and happy with that, then you know this feeling. I've... dealt with this feeling for a long time. Like, yeah I don't really identify with being a woman most times, and I sure in hell don't like men.
But it's been a while since I've been thrown for a true loop over my own issues regarding things.
I found myself dwelling on my old relationships a lot recently. Probably due to all the maladaptive daydreaming due to yume shipping. I won't lie and say that I don't use my own OCs as a way to address personal traumas dealt to me (because I definitely am guilty), but like... I dunno I guess there's just things you're never really able to truly unpack.
Sometimes I find myself remembering specific phonecalls and specific lies I was told by people which I knew were malicious in nature and I know to disregard all this. It's not like it matters 7 years later. But then there's a stray comment made by that man, that you think on, commenting about a previous relationship and it just brings it all back.
I can't help but wonder what kind of person I would have been if those things came to fruition.
A woman of 36 years soon enough, celebrating her birthday. Maybe with a daughter, who'd probably be around 10 years by now. What kind of things would my husband get me for my birthday? What kind of things would he tell me? The hugs I'd recieve. The reassurance I'd get. The meals I'd cook. The homework I'd help with.
Would my parents be proud of me for a life like that? Would they care? How would I be? Suppressing my love for other women and the general frustration and ambiguity I feel towards my own gender. Would I have just written it off as "just a phase" or something and taken up the mantlehood of a mother, content with her husband?
It's weird. It's weird to sit there and think on heteronormative bullshit that you swore off, that you swore for ages bothered you, and realize how much you decried it was because some deep down part of you just longed for it. After all, as women, this is what we're told from the moment we're born that we should want, that we should strive for. It's supposed to be our sacred duty to society or some shit, after all.
Oh my god I just HATE it.
It's insane what unpacking trauma will bring up I guess. It was like a musty old box I shoved in the back of the closet. It's covered in cobwebs and it's water damaged. There's probably mold. But I opened it and I found heteronormative feelings in there and I hate it because I don't know what to do with them now other than shove them onto an OC so I don't have to deal with them.
It just sucks because I'm here thinking about 5 years of my life I gave to one man, that went nowhere, and remembering the torment I went through after it all came crashing down. I was way too young for a relationship, probably. I was like 22 years old. And I wasn't mentally well, nor did I realize that I was probably years behind my actual age mentally due to the amount of abuse I suffered and just having no real social skills, no real awareness of social situations and how to act. So it probably did way more to my mental health than I ever realized.
IDK I'm just sitting here right before my birthday kinda dealing with how to handle all these things.
Truth be told, I'm not sure why I'm even writing this, outside of getting it off my chest. It hurts a lot and maybe cramming it down hasn't helped me much, but I don't know where to place these feelings. They belong to a me that doesn't really exist anymore. There's no point in mourning the marriage that didn't happen. That man has moved on. And I did my best to do the same.
I dunno maybe I'll go take some pictures of my figures to put on the site that I haven't really taken in a while.
Kefka Phase 3
03 Jun, 2026
HOLY SHIT THIS FIGHT IS AWESOME
Edit: Its not working because twitch is stupid. Have the clip link.
Here you can have some plushies shenanigans because things didn't work.
