The Lights in the Sky are Stars

31 Mar, 2026

I keep getting sidetracked and having my time demanded by other people, so I haven't really been able to sit down and make any updates. In fact, it feels pretty bad to a degree. But at the same time, I dunno, I guess it feels decent to have someone want your company. Not that I think they're the only person, but IDK, sometimes group watching things is fun.

With that said, I revisited Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann with a friend. I only did the 27 episode TV air with them because I was like, emotionally ready for that (Considering I've rewatched it so many times due to owning the DVDs). But my clown ass watched the theatrical versions again for the 2nd or 3rd time now and uh... Man it's a punch to the gut.

I don't think she reads this blog so it's probably for the best but I wasn't ready to start having an emotional breakdown on mic over a movie version of something that meant so much to me because it's just awkward. But at the same time, I will say (without spoiling much) there's this particular line in episode 26 that just always fucking gets me. It's a very IYKYK thing, I'm sure.

Sometimes it's fun to look back at something you really loved and hadn't touched for a long time. But I felt a bit sad. Kinda started remembering a lot of the people I used to hang out with back then, and how we've all lost touch. Some cases were just the natural drifting away that happens with the passage of time. But other cases were deliberate and needed to be cut off. I dunno, sometimes it's weird to think about where you are almost 20 years later.

Anyways I get to show said friend Fullmetal Alchemist next and uh... Well, you all know how that goes.

But yeah I made this post to say uhhh... Nothing of importance actually. I love feeling misery and pain and anguish, thanks GAiNAX.

Tuesday Morning

24 Mar, 2026

Well, I finally started to put work towards more of the things that I said I'd do and not just sit here and say I'm doing it then not do it lol. Soon, I'll hopefully have my NG+ update finished, my 2kki, and tcg sections up. And hopefully I'll figure out my new camera that I got for Christmas because I don't know how to change the date lol. Might make some new icons for the blog journal entries too because that should be fun. I dunno how long it'll actually take me though because I have a million ideas in my head and never enough time in the day.

I suppose before I leave this rather short entry off, someone brought up hjonk as a microblogging social media platform, and I might join. Especially if I can embed images in my statuses. I don't mind hosting them elsewhere, I just want to be able to post them. Maybe. I also said I'd join spacehey and I haven't yet. Oops.

Other than that, waiting for another package to come in (god Amiami's delay on seamail dispatches is so bad right now). Reorganized some of my figures. I think the worst feeling is realizing that I always have an empty shelf right now. But I guess that even more worse is the realization that I have enough things coming in that organizing might get slightly harder. I told myself I don't need another cabinet, but the plastic lust is making me desire another. IDK, what I really need to do is go through some of my old stationery and maybe a few of my CDs. Might even need to sell off a few more figures. Who knows. I always say it then I rarely do it.

IDK how to end this off other than I'm getting tired, itchy from medicine I took so I could sleep, and I don't have much else to say. Have a picture.

Glad I grabbed him because I just saw what his aftermarket price was before the re-release and I'm like "oh huh what the fuck." Nicer than the S.H. Figuarts, but that one's pretty nice as well and uh maybe I had ordered them both impulsively because I cancelled some preorders anyways.

Okay I'm beginning to feel super itchy, bye. I'll fix the rest of the miniblog pages later today, hopefully.

I Watched Netflix's One Piece Adaptation So You Don't Have To.

23 Mar, 2026

Warning: Unhinged ranting.

Title, essentially. Yeah, you should have seen this complaint essay coming from miles away if you talk to me on discord. Maybe not so much on the site, I suppose, considering I haven't really said much in the way of anything. However, after going to a target one day and seeing all the new Tony Tony Chopper merchandise they were pushing, I went and told a friend "Okay, I'm making you watch this with me." For starters, she really liked it! She seemed to have a great time with Zoro and Nami specifically. Great for her to watch 16 hours of One Piece and to enjoy it so far...

I'm sure you realize though that I said she liked it, not I liked it.

I... I did not like this. I did not like this at all.

I know you're probably like "Oh, you've been pretty good about not bashing things. Is this where you stop and you go ham?" Personally, I have no idea. I have really mixed feelings. A lot of people who like 1PN (Which is how I'll be refering to it from here on out--Edit: I didn't use this term really at all LMAO.) are legitimately enjoying it and having a fun time. Good for them. I'm not. I've watched almost up to the current part of the anime, and really only paused because a completely different friend I was watching with hadn't gotten together to watch it since we stopped. Which means uh... I'm 6 episodes away from being caught up on One Piece currently, which means I'm in the latter half of Egghead.

I think I've watched this enough to have an opinion. To double down on my opinion, I'm going to read the manga. Because I want to feel more anguish. And I thrive in suffering. That's irrelevant though.

So, I guess let's talk about this. I don't want to write a 20 page rant on it, but I can't promise how short or long this article will be. At some point you're going to start seeing vitriol come out and I'm so sorry if you like this. It just wasn't for me.

If I can say one thing about One Piece, it's that this series has a lot of heart. There were so many times I found myself straight up bawling over what was happening in this series. Oda is great at giving you a reason to care about the characters in his work. It's kind of insane to me at how emotionally engrossed he manages to get people in the strawhats. People who have put in the time to keep up with this series and seriously watch it all seem to love it. It's the one series I'd always see people flipping out over and not getting it from a distance. But once I started sitting down and watching, it makes so much sense to me why this is the most popular manga in the world.

It also makes so much sense to me as to why this needed to stay in the mediums that it's in. The entire point with One Piece is that its a cartoon. It functions so much better as a cartoon. Yes some characters get a bit tropey at times, but it's so easy to overlook it because it's a cartoon. It doesn't take itself too seriously most of the time and it's just easy to get engrossed in.

What I'm trying to say is: Let's get the CGI (and blatant greenscreen editing) bitching over with.

It was to be expected that the CGI was going to be present. I mean like, Luffy is made of rubber. We have a talking reindeer in the group. There's copious fight scenes with movement that is just not possible by real people that doesn't look right. It was bound to happen. But one of the worst part is how all the things that aren't impossible look kind of rigid. Unfortunately I'm going to point out Zoro and Nami's fighting in the earlier episodes, because it's the stuff that looks the most... awkward.

The earlier sword fights are just... weird. They get better in Season 2, but it's still really jarring to me how stiff they are in the beginning. They remind me of those old 2006s Sora vs Roxas LARP videos where they're in like, a fucking parking lot fighting with whatever pole items as "keyblades". And even those look more coordinated at times.

Hell, early on, Nami's actress feels like she showed up for work and that's it at times? I don't know if it's a direction issue specific to fighting or what. Because I feel like the acting itself isn't bad. And most issues aren't like unique to one character.

Before I go off on the acting tangent, I will say the following: Buggy's CGI is what nightmares are made of.

Alright... the acting. Uhhhh... I don't know how to feel about it. There's just this weird layer of sarcasm that permeates like every portrayal to some degree it feels. Which is just odd considering how wild things can be most of the time. I feel like Season 2 the director finally was like "okay I'll read through a few volumes of the manga or something" and treat these characters a little more how they're supposed to act" and it's... still weird. I think Nami gets the sarcastic thing way worse than anyone else because it's like, why does she seem so annoyed at everything? I don't know, it had me wonder if I was so out of touch with the source that I was just misremembering everything based on the current relations the strawhats have with one another. This entire thing frustrates me at this point I don't even think I can go over everything else because just thinking about it has me irritated.

There were so many scenes that had gotten kind of just... botched--Looking specifically at the march into Arlong Park where the Strawhats literally walk shoulder to sholder, with purpose. It got turned into them just wandering into town like whatever. NO HYPE NO AURA WHAT GIVES. Especially because such an iconic track plays there. Speaking of the music, they just fall back on the same few music beats and it's so awkward. We have heard a few pieces that are actually arranges from the anime, but just... there's 2 tracks that get worn to death and I'm like "oh brother" every time I hear them.

I don't know I could find more things that frustrated me. I feel like it'd be absolutely nitpicking to list every single little thing though like whining when a scene isn't 1:1 with the source or even the anime. But I do think major moments should have hit.

I dunno I'm half zoning out while writing this so I guess that means I should just start complaining about the thing I'm really here for.

So I told myself when I started writing this I wasn't going to spend the entire time complaining about Sanji but here I am I have to do it I have to speak my truth I cannot be silenced what have they done to my little meowmeow I'm so distressed please don't comment like "vi u said u hated him" yeah I LIED I can tell lies on the internet to protect my own made up dignity and to have people I no longer talk to not doubt my lesbianismness but that doesn't matter here that's him thats my meowmeow thats my boyfriend we are in love get out of my house.

That aside, I will say that for starters, I have no real experience with the other 2 anime-to-real-life-drama? adaptations that I know Netflix has done really. Like I know Deathnote exists? I think? Maybe I hallucinated that one. I tried Bebop because I was mildly curious and then we got to the affront to God known as Netflix Faye Valentine, and I couldn't even attempt to finish it as a joke. I was so horrified I just dropped it here and there.

I'm not sure if this is better or worse than what happened to Faye Valentine to be honest.

I feel like my biggest issue is that after being introduced in the latter half of the first season and being present in all of the second, he's just a non character. And that feels weird to say. There's just... nothing there. And I'm just here like "I am so confused as to where you are all going with this." They said "So this guy cooks and he's attractive. End of statement." I feel like most of his character interactions are just... I dunno he argued with Zoro a bit. He likes Nami I guess they got that right. I dunno other than that he's so just not there that it's almost easy to forget about him so I'm here like "I dunno, did they cut out like 80% of his character and go 'Yeah that works'?" Because that's what I feel happened. They also want him shirtless a lot and I swear it's always so fucking awkward, but that could be the sexual repulsion towards (real) men coming into play so that probably explains a lot.

I could complain more. Maybe about scary Chopper and the fact that for whatever reason he swears (Tony Tony Chopper would never swear!!!) or the fact that Usopp also feels like he doesn't get too much screentime, but I dunno I think he's faring better than Sanji. He seems like he has a character.

I don't super have any complaints about Luffy. I guess I feel like a lot of his choices feel "whim of the moment" rather than Luffy being absolutely stubborn about anything and insisting on shit.

Like I dunno I'm just actually amazed. I expected it to be pretty bad. The bar was in the ground. They managed to trip on it still. Its just so much worse than I could have ever guessed.

I dunno I'm tired I'm going to spite read the manga and make a page dedicated to random manga reading logs in real time so I can go back and make sure I'm not fucking insane. This adaptation makes me feel insane. It makes me think I don't know shit about 1P actually. I'm crashing out. I had a legitimate rant prepared that was well worded n then I just started complaining and getting frustrated lmao. This is like the burning of Jokoxandria for me oh my god. I hate that this is immediately how I felt and then it just dragged on the entire fucking time I'm screaming I'm literally in hell.

I think my only other positive thing to say is when he talked to Nami about his mom and the cooking her meals and stuff, that shit hurted. Wholecake hurted. I'm not over it yet.

BYE

Mental Release

22 Mar, 2026

Sorry to finally chime in with a kind of short blog. I figured I'd say something before getting into a rather different topic--a bit of an upcoming piece of content that I'm sure maybe 3 people out there might want to read. But I suppose I'd rather stick my own personal feelings in a different blog before going on about that.

So I won't lie, the last few months have been a bit rough. I've felt my emotions kind of go all over the place. I think things are beginning to even out a bit. But I don't have much to say about myself past being mentally exhausted quite a bit. And just being all over the place. I did finally fix this blog, as I'm sure most of you can see. There's still quite a bit of minor work to be done on several of the entries with broken files and things not fitting correctly. And I won't lie, I want the archive page to just be better lmao. But that's irrelevant I suppose. I'll fix it with time.

Idk, I think most things are my fault for letting minor things get under my skin. Like offhanded comments from friends about stuff related to my own site and just general things in life. I've been trying to ignore them but I won't lie that things are beginning to get under my skin. That and the current state of the world just has me... I don't know, not in the right place. Like at all.

I don't really want to get into it further. I feel like most people probably understand how bad things are right now. Feels dystopian most days. Got to the point I can't watch the news without feeling dread. Also have had doctors tell me to just ignore it all, but it feels hard to do.

For now I've been kinda just emptying my head, playing games with friends, watching stuff, aside from tending to real life responsibilities. At some point I'll have some reviews for everyone.

However, I want to continue to watch Voltage Live so for now I'll be done.

Also I did a bit of shopping so maybe that will get me to do more reviews soon so there's not such a big pile.

Frustration

09 Mar, 2026

Spring is nearly upon us, and I would be lying if I said I was ready to embrace the warmer parts of this year with open arms. I guess, due to a lot of ongoing things in my life, I've just not really been ready for this year? I mean, if anything, all I feel is behind schedule. I guess that can't be helped when I wanted certain things taken care of--such as another room tour article of the year, as well as a retrospective on everything related to 2025. But... it's hard when packages are set to delay from mid august onward and despite shipping everything out finally, you realize only 2 of your 3 packages are confirmed shipped out, and then another hold appears due to tariffs and you're just there scratching your head. Feels weird to be a blog who like, half the content is related to anime figures, and not be able to talk about the anime figures you've paid an arm and a leg for thanks to tariffs, and still not have them in hand because you paid for seamail. And I really haven't bought anything since outside of an itabag. I suppose I can put that up, but I've not even finished fixing it up, but it feels a bit awkward when I'm so whatever on the design of it.

I guess you could say, I'm in a bit of a slouch. I can't keep my concentration on anything. I feel like I'm not making any progress in anything I do. And I suppose that also applies to this site, especially my miniblog because I'm here like "Oh, I can't even come up with a unique layout related to this." People have told me "Oh you can just use a template," but I don't know. I think it's a pride thing at this rate. Another set of people are like "but your blog looks fine the way it is" and I'm just like "Mmm, don't know about that considering any bit of resizing throws it into chaos and it looks awkward on mobile." But who knows, maybe I should just use the same concept again with a more mobile friendly bit of CSS. Dunno. It's just causing a growing frustration. And I feel like my fixation on getting this part of my site sorted and remodeled is just causing me to look at coding with frustration right now.

I don't want to say "I'm on Hiatus" because like... I don't think a pause of a week without really doing much is all that long. But I suppose it's another way of saying "Even though I had things planned. Things that I wanted to talk about and what not, I think it'll be a while before I'm able to get to those. Hell, even at this point, 2025 feels like a blur. I think all I can say is "I bought stuff, I worked my ass off on this site, I drew a bit, and I cleared m8s as a scholar and ucob as a samurai--Both things I don't regularly play." So uh yeah wow that's it.

Maybe I'll make myself clean my room in depth this week, order some things I've been putting off cos the cheapest place to get them is unfortunately Amazon, and do some deep cleanout. One of my other current frustrations is not being able to store my CDs without them feeling like they're tucked away in a corner or an awkward place, so I suppose it's time to finally tackle that. I just hope that ADHD doesn't get the better of me and I end up on an MMO for another evening.

That, and maybe I'll see about getting some of the other content I wanted done before worrying about the blog layout.

The Price of Valor is an Eternity of Solitude

01 Mar, 2026

Is it right to say that this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't spiral?

I think I'm at that point with this game (said game being, as if you didn't see this coming, Final Fantasy 14) where I've kind of admitted to myself that like... No matter how long I try to be apart from it, no matter how much I try to break, I just have this weird toxic relationship to it and to myself, and those things just go hand in hand. Like, I won't lie. I've always relied on games as a way to prove myself. I had a bad childhood home with absent parents, and sometimes just having a video game where I had a way to prove I could overcome any challenge thrown at me was just... how I coped with a lot of things. And it naturally stayed that way deep into adulthood because I just never had a supportive network of family. My family always claims it but like... let's be real here, I'm in the closet for a reason. And with that, I always hide my innermost thoughts from everyone because I'm so afraid of rejection.

And yet that's all I kind of feel when it comes to this game.

I've just kind of struggled to belong. Like I never have a group to really do what I want. I just have either a bunch of people who don't make up a big enough headcount to do what I want to do, as well as straight up aren't at the same skill level. But when I join bigger groups I still have this issue. People aren't interested in the same things as me, so I feel out of place when I join in on group activities. Like "I'm just here to drag people through but I don't particularly enjoy this." It also doesn't help when I'm a role where yes, I understand it, but I'm fundamentally bad at it.

Yeah this is a class/job thing.

I have and probably always will play a support role in most games. Some people have commented it's because of some sort of fixation on control, which IDK, I guess that could be true... But I just also really like the challenge. The level of micromanaging that comes with it has always been something I've really succeeded in, and I've dragged more people to the finish line in content than they deserve it feels. Not that I'm saying I'm perfect or anything--I definitely will get super confused at memory game type mechanics, especially when the names of things are too similar. And even moreso if people aren't consistent with planning positioning, but that's a whole other topic. I just... like playing a supportive role. It's what I'm good with. It's where I belong. And it's not even that I haven't tried to play other things. I certainly have. But I'm just kinda... I don't know, tired of being shoved in another department all together.

It's just beginning to really wear me down. I get put on something that I don't know as well, so it becomes a bit of a challenge for me to keep up and keep tabs on certain stuff. And thus I fumble. And lately, that's all I feel I can do is fumble. I get invited to stuff but then put on another role and then I'm just... I don't know, not having fun. Because it'll also be not particularly fun content and then I can't even do what I want to do.

Like I guess the only way to put it is... Sometimes I want the challenge of playing my main job in challenging content, but when the content is neither engaging nor am I even allowed to play things I like lately, then it just becomes an exercise in frustration. Even moreso when people finally do something I want to do, and I feel like I'm not even allowed to join in.

I've been having this issue for a while now.

It's to the point where I've had multiple people tell me they don't want me on my main job, that they're going to force me off it, or try to just put me down for my main pick. It doesn't feel good. In fact, it's why I've skipped so many tiers lately. And I know people will be like "Well, you did 2 Ultimates on your main pick despite how not good it is" and it's like... You guys wouldn't have had another regen healer if it wasn't for me but I guess we'll just ignore that.

IDK, I'm tired of people trying to joke with me that they'll make me into a whatever main. Or that they'll have me on something else so someone else can have fun. Or just telling me to deal with something and that I'm no better than anyone else. It doesn't make me feel wanted. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to be there and do something I know I can do. And it doesn't make me feel like I'm having any fun. It makes me want to turn around and leave. Which sucks because I've given up my time for people and to help people and even gone as far as to give up mounts for people who really want it, but the instant I say "hi, I'd like to do this as my main job, can I join?" I'm just told "Fuck you, no."

Like, it's not like it's out of malice, but when you have so many people telling you to be something else, something you're not... it hurts.

And that hurt has been burried so deep down for a while that it's just bubbling up to the surface again, and I can't help but want to keep a lid on it. To shove it deep deep down, and pray it never comes back up again. To pray that it never gets to me.

I just can't though.

I was fine to acknowledge that I needed to quit raiding. Time constraints. Mental wear. And physical health. Those all played a huge role in coming to that realization, even though I'll always enjoy raiding and high end challenges.

I just feel like being told that I have to be something else is where I draw the line. Sure, I don't mind taking other roles from time to time, but being constantly shoved off my favorite role and being told I can't even specifically ask to play something, even though everyone has alternatives, and then the constant treatment from other people that "Well, that's no longer you" is where it begins to really just hurt. It makes me want to leave and seek out different people entirely, even if nobody has done anything wrong. I just feel rejected. And when it's rejection coupled with something you failed to do, it's another sort of pain entirely.

I'm so tired of trying to fit the mold that everyone else wants for me though. It's bad enough that's all I deal with in real life. All my friends are out. I'm not. I have homophobic family that has constantly talked about how they want LGBT+ people in the dirt for existing. And so I have to cover the fact that not only do I hate my assigned gender, but I hate the fact that I'm constantly told to be straight. That's not me. It's never been.

When it's brought up to me in the realm of an online game though, it just especially hurts. Because it's like... This is the one place I can be myself. But then I'm told to be something else, whether it be related to how X class playes in X content, or being told to self sacrifice for someone else, or not even being allowed to do things I really want to do. I hate it. I'm always meant to take the brunt of other people's commentary and what not. Nobody cares about how I feel. Nobody really cares what I've been through. I'm just always torn down. And I've left places here and there where I'd love to belong, but I'm just not allowed to.

I just want to belong and be accepted as me. I'm so tired of being rejected. It's not like I don't qualify. I know how good I am. Sure, I don't think I'm the top player for my job ever, but I know that I'm on a skill level higher than an average player. And yet I always feel rejected despite that.

I always feel like I have to work my ass off to prove my rights to be somewhere, and yet everyone else is just accepted and celebrated. And thus I feel alone.

I'm so tired of being alone. It's all that I feel lately. Like everyone else has a place and yet here I am struggling at every turn to really belong somewhere. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like I'm just sinking to a bottom of an ocean, where there's no light whatsoever. And nobody reaches for you. Not now, not ever.

I wish I could just quit this game and seal all these feelings within it forever. Bury them deep down at the bottom of that impossible ocean, the deepest part of one's heart, and just be done with it. But this game calls back to me. I have unfinished business. Closing everything up and just sealing it off and being done with it is hard. I love this place. This place has been my virtual home for so long, and losing that home also hurts. I've tried my damndest to just be able to walk away. I've put in so much work to be able to hopefully part with it one day. And yet I can't. Because if I really leave I feel like I will not only truly be alone, but I'd be giving up on all of the work I've done up until this part. And not only does that hurt, but I don't want to give up. I never wanted to give up.

I've felt for so long that I'm in such an impossible place. That I've been reaching up. That I've been wanting to belong. But there is some sort of invisible barrier. Everyone just looks at my experiences and deems me as not worth it, that I'm apparently better than everyone by default, and that everyone's just below me. I have people tell me it all the time. And it's weird. So I'm put on a pedestal by others, seen as untouchable. And it hurts. Because the higher people raise you, the more they just leave you alone, unless it's to knock you down. For the sake of seeing you crash and burn.

Haven't I crashed and burned long enough?

My raid groups are gone, my friendships are pretty much gone, my ability to consistently play is gone, my motivation is gone, my ego is gone. The only thing that remains are my experiences and the trophies I wear. The proof that I climbed to those heights.

I don't really know what to do.

I've reached out, and all I feel is my hand swatted back for daring to do so. But my feelings are still the same.

"I don't want to be alone."