Assorted Thoughts to Start the Month

02 Aug, 2026

Well, I won't lie, it's just one of those days. I wouldn't say anything in particular went wrong, but nothing really feels right either. I woke up super late in the afternoon, had a huge sinus headache, and spent several hours just taking care of my nose. IT felt like the daylight really passed me by before I could really do anything about it.

I took a bunch of pictures the other day, so I could put stuff up for sale. Yet having done the hard part of the work, I find myself stumbling on the actual half that will get me payments. It's weird. Because I want money and I want this stuff out of my room. Yet I look at the idea of listing stuff and I just find myself groaning. I had people get on my ass about listing, and others try to motivate me. And I appreciate it. But it's this like, weird depression block. I just have to find the point of night where I decide I'm way more interested in being productive.

I say that, but like, I struggled to talk to my dad today. And it was his birthday. No wonder our relationship is so bad.

Reaching out to people has also kind of given a mental rut of sort. I've found myself wanting to make friends, and earnestly trying to connect, but I just can't. I've come to the conclusion that either something's wrong with my brain, or I'm just unlikable down to my core or something. I don't really use social media. Truth be told, the only one I used was the birdsite, and I had kept my accounts around until a stalking incident lead me to want to make a new one, and then I was immediately stalked. Then I found myself deleting both. I made another, solely for retweets and it was reported & suspended despite being locked and used solely for art references. I got mad while waiting for them to give it back (they ruled against it at that) and then made 2 others, and both got suspended due to the first one. I have thus given up on trying the birdsite once more. It sucks because not only do I feel cut off from groups because everyone else I'm close with uses it, but like, I don't think I can even get commissions now. So I feel locked out of a source of income.

I suppose income is also why I started selling again but idk, maybe the heistant feeling is from getting yelled at because I desired to sell by someone who constantly oversteps their boundaries. But it's also more than that. Someone in a group chat told me to not bother asking for money for anything I was selling because 90% of my collection was really not even that good according to them. It's not the first time in a chat where someone recently made fun of my collection, which is just an awkward feeling. I got told to "pick a lane" by one person. And another told me "The shonen garbage is really weighing your stuff down." Wasn't fun. I started to feel like I shouldn't even show what I collect or even talk about it. For a brief moment, I legit even considered both deleting my MFC account & this site, solely because I feel... annoying about most of my stuff. I heard someone on a forum once say that I flexed on them solely because I asked to see their collection. And uh, my collection is considered on the smaller side on MFC at that (And considering I'm thinking of purging quite a sizeable amount of my collection due to feeling it's at odds with other parts, that will probably drop significantly.)

IDK, there's nothing fun about trying to connect with people and then feeling like you're a problem for even showing up. Even wanting to talk about something.

There's a person I talk to that always laments that we don't talk a lot anymore lately. Even though I've been trying. I've tried to inspire them to want to have something to talk about, but they just want to swipe their credit card. And then they swipe it and give me stuff as well, and I'm grateful but like...

I dunno, what I wan't isn't... stuff sometimes. It's connection. I want to feel like a person again. But it's just... hard.

I don't feel like I have anything to really offer.