Everything Sucks Right Now

29 Aug, 2025

(Emetophobia Warning, General Vent Warning)

6 am and I just finished coughing up a lung. What a great start? Or perhaps end to my day. Anyways I hate it. Mostly because I don't really enjoy puking out the contents of my lungs, but it's better than keeping it all in. I just wish it didn't happen in spurts. I always feel exhausted after it but like, I dunno, it feels like I'm losing control of my body. Sometimes agitation is from minor things like attempting to drink water and stay hydrated. Sometimes it's because I walk outside because I have to take care of a dog. Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere. Dunno, it's nauseating. 3rd day in a row I've puked, and every time I get yelled at for having to do so. Like... I'm sorry I have to cough. I get that it's annoying. But I'm also not getting help with healthcare! Which means I'm not getting better. But I get yelled at because I don't want to take on a debt sentence for being sick. So it's like, I dunno what to do here. What if they don't even cover me? And even if I walked into a place, got antibiotics, picked them up and took them asap, that doesn't mean I'm not gonna be puking stuff up. I hate puking. It makes me want to break down and cry.

Anyways, between this and the shit ass tariff situation that's gotten me to sit here and pretty much cancel all my orders (though I'm pretty sure tariffs on packages are far more affordable than a fucking doctor's trip without insurance) I feel trapped. Like I can't have fun. I mean it's already bad enough that an entire month passed by and I barely have the energy to code, even though I've gotten some work done. I also haven't had a lot of energy to play games outside of simple stuff, and I barely have the energy to socialize. I finally was able to talk to some people both the night before and last night and that was nice, but it came with the coughing and general agitation.

I was expected to go to a funeral today, but to be honest, I feel bad but I can't really go. Merely going outside into pollen agitates the coughing. I don't want to be the guy gagging into their mask at a mass. I also don't want to get anyone sick.

I hate myself for not being able to find a job after COVID, even though I've been looking and I hate myself more for having a very weak immune system since childhood. I tell myself that I should just deal with these kind of things at time and be grateful for what I have, and how other people have it worse than me so I can't really complain a lot, as a way to keep the complaining at bay. But sometimes I'm just like "I hate it here (as in where I live, country-wise), I don't like myself, and I don't see that changing, but sometimes I just wanna cry about it." But I feel like crying over not being able to buy stuff that is non necessity is kind of stupid at times. Yeah sure, I like these things. I'm never going to stop. But it's not like I need them to live. It just kind of sucks a bit. "I was already on my way out of collecting, so it doesn't matter that much to me" is a stupid mindset to have, perhaps, but I'm trying to stick to it. I've been doing a lot of training my brain on the idea that just because I want something doesn't mean I need it and what not, and generally being selective over what I bring into my home. But it also feels like a double edged sword because now I'm here purposely telling myself that I'm just "being a baby" over being upset over how tariffs are going to affect my life going forward--assuming that some sort of press conference doesn't happen soon and it becomes a giant "LOL JUST KIDDING" moment (which I kind of hope it does.) Like, I dunno, there's something upsetting about everything coming into the country needs to get a certain flat rate fee for going through USPS that's a bit upsetting feeling because I'm like "Okay what about my hobby stuff" but then I also get to turn around and go "Okay but what about my actual main diet as well?" Like it made me had to think "How much of this is actually imported from other countries?" And I dunno, with the produce situation being pretty bad in the US right now, it just kinda made me feel worse.

Truth be told, this entire entry is me just feeling... worse. Like I know you're not supposed to trust how you feel after a certain point of night, and I'm way past that because my sleep schedule is just perpetually fucked up, but also like... IDK, as a Mexican living in the US, everything feels really bad right now. Just really really bad.

I apologize for just dumping this and going to sleep but I'm just way too drained to work on anything lately.

Watching the Mare drama

22 Aug, 2025

I was originally going to make this post about idk, literally anything better. I mean, I got 3 preorders I made like fairly early last year in the mail finally (Symphony Luka Nendoroid, Loungewear Miku Nendoroid doll, and after 500 years without him, Zhongli Nendoroid.) I mean, I was pretty excited to finally get them, so surely taking pictures could have been a decent entry. Then there's the fact that a friend and I decided to muck around on a Minecraft server and do a silly little build. Hell, I even practiced some coloring.

But no I gotta talk about the Mare drama because I think FFXIV drama is kinda funny.

Honestly, you Mare guys are as dumb as fucking rocks. With all 3P tools, whether it be QoL changes the devs refuse to give, shit the devs are going to steal later and put in the game after people have been begging (like they just did with the chat bubbles), personal appearance mods, parsing, zoom tools, weaving issue fixers, and That Stupid Thing We Shouldn't Be Talking About, they've told us repeatedly one thing: We'll look away and we won't install an anti-cheat, as long as you don't show off that you're using it, you don't talk about it, and you don't put shit with our logo on it, especially if it has your in game name.

What do you all do? You constantly pester about it. I wasn't even against it. I tried it for a bit, but I never really like, used a whole lot of mods. Hell, once DT broke mods, I didn't bother reinstalling them. It wasn't worth my time, and I don't think the game looks as bad as people make it out to be, but then again, I'm going to be 100% transparent here: Most of the mods I personally used were literally to make stuff HD. But like, I also didn't talk about it. Especially not with people I didn't trust or even know. Like that's the whole point: You're not supposed to put it out there like it's a giant fucking billboard--Not that some of you can even handle that, considering the actual billboard incident.

The people who are sitting there like "This game is unplayable ugh I need to unsub" are just being stupid. You're not here to play a game anyways. You're here to make your character into an overconvoluted mess with ugly ass paid mods, with a service where the creator just so happens to accept 2 forms of income related to said illegal service. And you're mad that it inevitably was going to get C&D because they've said 500 times to not do shit like this.

Do you know how to stop shit like this from happening? NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. Don't protest in Limsa, don't bitch at them on twitter, don't review bomb them. Stop being fucking stupid. The fucking mods themselves aren't even taken away, it's literally the ability to see other people's mods. It's so dumb. And yet you're all up in arms like "UGH NEXT THEY'RE TAKING X FROM US THEY'RE TAKING Y FROM US" and even funnier "WELL THIS GAME IS LOSING PLAYERS AND GOING DOWNHILL FAST." And all the people doing this are the 5.3 Shadowbringers babies. Like shut up. Most of you, I'm not even sure why you're here to begin with. You obviously don't like this game aesthetically, and most of you cry about the difficulty of fucking expert dungeons this expac. Threatening to unsub doesn't mean the game is going to die or anything. It just means the idiots that don't know how to keep their mouths shut about 3P are finally gone. 3P in this game has been around forever. We've had this show and dance before, and have had it since what, fucking Heavensward around the time of the first tier of Alex when A3 was the literal static breaker? And people were getting parse shamed left and right? Hell, I feel like we have a drama like this every expac at this point. Maybe even more nowadays. It all roots back to the same fucking thing. 3P isn't going anywhere unless they finally install an anti-cheat, which they said they're against because how it executes at the kernel level. And let's be real, they've run their mmos for far too long without anti-cheat, so they're probably never doing it.

Just stop being stupid. It's so easy. Don't talk about the mods in the video game. If you want to talk about them, IDK, use voice or discord chat or literally anything else.

You all sound like idiots with your stupid temper tantrum, especially when you only have yourselves to blame. Next time, don't shoot into your foot and then wonder "why did I get shot?"

Also by the way, for the idiots claiming the game will die without mod support, lmao. This game, and a lot of its community in Japan is very anti-modding. This is the same game where a red dot got the world first clear revoked. Do you think appearance mods are exempt? They're not.

Either way, if you think that ragequitting over being able to see other people's mods is gonna make Sqex bend over backwards, miss you, or even care that you're gone: It wont. This game didn't need you to succeed. It didn't need 3rd party appearance mods to make nude slutty cat girls to succeed. It took a willingness to change from the dumpsterfire that was 1.0 and putting that in the hands of someone who wanted to make this game succeed to actually succeed. And while I get that not all mods are for gooning and some people do want legit self expression, you have to remember literally everything happening here that's coming into play to get this shit removed. There's the fact that income was made off of this. There's the fact that character data that shouldn't have been exchanged was exchanged. There were multiple breaks of the Terms of Service which is a legal contract you must sign with any game if you wish to play it and access their servers. There's the fact that we're having a huge censorship wave take the UK & the US right now considering the entire debit card blocking certain sites & games bullshit going on, and people yapping about their naked catgirls with the FFXIV logo is 100% going to put the game under fire for shit that Yoshi P said DON'T PUT IN THE FUCKING GAME for good reason.

Like, there's plenty of reasons to actually be fed up with this game, but getting a slap on the wrist that you can't have your mods shared and you're upset that you got told "hey don't be so public about the fact that you use this game to play 'Dress Up Dolly Backshots Photo Simulator,'" then please quit because honestly, this game doesn't have shit for you anyways it seems past being Club Simulator (Honestly just fucking download the Sims). Especially if stuff like this upsets you that much. I don't care if people mod, but I sure in hell care if you start opening your mouth about it in fucking Limsa say chat and get shit taken away from everyone else who knows how to play within the rules without getting caught.

Anyways, anyone that doesn't care about Mare drama wanna take bets on how fast the modder community will come back the instant another mod share tool pops up so that they don't lose their fucking houses?

Also like... the mods themselves aren't even gone. It's literally just the ability to see other people's mods. JUST INSTALL YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS' MODS.

Fries Can Fix Me

18 Aug, 2025

I feel kind of like an idiot right now. On one hand, I know what I most likely have. I know what can make it go away. Odds are, it's Walking Pneumonia, and I'm sure a great big dose of antibodies can fix it right up and it'll clear up pretty much all these issues. I'm also at the point where I either have severe allergies or possibly asthma. I don't know the exacts, obviously. I'm not a doctor. Why don't I go to the doctor then? Probably because everyone's favorite ugly orange bastard has made it hard for people like me to go to the doctors, yet alone exist. Hard to get good and healthy food to help with the immune system if you buy it and it's nearly already rotted, even if the shelf date is a week away. Hard to get comfort food when inflation is spiking and I'm sure the tariffs incoming supposedly at the end of the month are going to drive imports higher, if not just out of the country. And it's hard not to feel stressed (which probably weakened my immune system) when you have to deal with turning on the TV and see the ICE raids, the general hate towards LGBTQ, and just the stress of money. I'm not even going to get into my relationship issues right now with both my family & some of my friends, considering some people don't understand the actual meaning of boundaries. But in all honesty, I just don't want to deal with that. I have no idea if I have healthcare, and I need to take a daily pill, and now because I don't get a letter that goes "Hey, we got your application about healthcare, and you've passed," means I now have to probably get told how I don't have healthcare. I fucking hate it here.

At least on the bright side of everything, every time I eat garlic fries I feel amazing. That can't be good for my cholesterol nor my weight. God, I feel like I'm barely eating anything as is and I'm taking as many over the counter things as I can, and yet I'm sitting here just eating whatever fries I can get my hands on. I should specify: Soup & tea & honey have not been making me feel better. But the junk food (aka the fries) is. And it frustrates me because I would like to attempt to... I don't know, not eat like trash? Seriously, what sense does this make.

If I'm lucky, I can raid again on Tuesday without hacking up my lungs. I guess at least if I die due to this, maybe I'll die having cleared UCOB. With the amount of coughing I've done as of late though, I can't help but wonder if I've cut my own life short just in fear of having to hear "No, we won't give you medical insurance." Just like how I constantly have to hear from people "No, we won't hire you."

I'm just tired. Sometimes I get so tired, I even get tired of trying.

Decent news for the people who have been waiting for me to make good on some of the site promises I've made. I've made progress. At the very least, you'll all have content while I suffer and attempt to do something productive to get my mind off of the illness and just general fear of losing one's access to healthcare when they have been consigned to relying on pills to live one's life.

I wish it was easy pills to cut out, but alas, without those meds I'm toast so I'm just going to have to hope that my family doesn't mind me saying "Hey I would like to be alive for a bit" and them not laughing in my face.

Okay let's try that again but slightly more positive.

Got the following things done:

• My general photo gallery for merch got updated
• Got some of my doodles up (only thumbnails right now), going to add more to the actual art stuff.
• Fixed more backend stuff. You won't believe how many minor tweaks pile up.
• Started working on my actual collection page, including having stuff on there that will never get reviewed.
• Also started getting a lot of review pictures sorted out.
• New layout based on my main layout. It's up and ready for download.
• Made a few new graphics. They're all icons, but it's whatever.

Anyways, I suppose I'm off to finish more related to the art pages & whatever else is unfinished. Decided to take a break from Mabi though. I missed an entire week of commerce and quite honestly I don't really want that added to my plate. I'll go back and use some of my expiring stuff soon though.

Until then, I'll be rewatching House because it's the only way I can see a doctor for free right now.

Anyways, since I can't get my hands on real medicine, if any of you have any links to Yugioh sites with screencaps or official art on them, send me them? Pretty please? Mostly because I want to use the screencaps for icons. IDK anything would be nice right now as a way to get my mind off all of this.

A Bad Start to August

08 Aug, 2025

I wanted to start August off strong, but here I am, over a week in and I not only managed to have one of the worst allergic reactions to mosquito bites that I've ever had, but I managed to end up having a few days where I'm just hacking my lungs up with no reprieve. On top of all that, I managed to piss off my family twice (Once about their stupid GenAI bullshit, another time just because of coughing that I can't control.) Oh yeah, and I managed to eat rotten watermelon--Well, just a piece of it. Basically my August is just a mess already, on top of me just being behind on things as usual. Behind on the stuff I wanted to work on due to a very clingy friend wanting to constantly demand my time. Behind due to slacking because I wanted to chat with a bestie about literally anything and everything and just detox from life, which lead into a certified ADHD moment. And then behind because the things I tend to play catch up on are... related to Mabi because that's the big timesink one. So I guess for now I'm behind on MSQ in XIV because I'm raid logging, behind in my weeklies in Mabi because I'm coughing up a lung, and behind on sitework because I keep playing video games.

Oops.

Regardless, I might not rank this season after all because I realized outside of wanting the free stuff that we'll finally get in like... November, and I've already did top 100 for the server for at least 2 different instances of commerce seasons, I would rather just have time. Gonna have to rush FFXIV msq & Gens 26 & 27 at some point though because I am behind. For now though, I'm here to hopefully upload a few walls of review pictures and at least get some stuff worked on while I stand around and AFK in Mabi and maybe commit several twisters crimes in Twintania. You should see a trickle of new stuff get posted here and there in the meanwhile.

But yeah, that's how life has been for me. I hope it's been better for the rest of you, because nobody deserves to eat rotten watermelon.

My goals for August are:

• New Graphics
• Finishing unfinished sections (Anilogs, Music mostly)
• Finishing that Yugioh shrine
• Updating a few galleries
• Getting to the figure review backlogs

Might do a "concerts" page for the music section and an "achievements" page for FF14, but those are a "when we get to it" type ordeal.

Edit: I forgot to bring up I went to the Mayhem ball at Kia Forum on the 2nd too.