Final Update of the Year

29 Dec, 2025

I figure I should post something instead of nothing, but I think I needed the last month or so to myself. I felt like forcing myself to work on my site when I was beginning to feel a bit constrained by some of the layout choices, especially when I'd have an awkward time on mobile was just kind of pissing me off. So, I started on the new layout I mentioned. I will... actually be changing slightly off the blue scheme for a bit. While I figure out a better way to recreate my layout that doesn't piss me off and looks good on mobile, because I feel like that's quite a bit of an undertaking. I basically wanted to have the bones for my site in place while I worked on other things because I was admittedly feeling a little bit burnt out. Redoing all the CSS is kind of difficult, especially as I experiment with things related to the look and feel for my site. But I also think it's for the best that I do this for the time being. Mobile responsiveness has always been a goal on my site, and finally reaching for that feels quite good. That way, when I go back to my main layout (which will be a variant of this current scheme) It'll look as best as it possibly can. I also wanted to make space to expand the type of content I have on my site so, there's also that. Well, I suppose I'll see you guys sometime next year. For now, I've been working on my relics in FF14. I finally have the Endwalker ones done (or have had them ages ago, because I finished almost all of them in EW aside from 3), and I'm nearly done with my Heavensward ones outside of tome farming. That means I'm going to start working towards Stormblood and Shadowbringers. Yes I know, I need to actually do Dawntrail and A Realm Reborn at some point, but most of what I have to do right now is tome grinds and fate farms while I finish out leveling classes so I can be done with it all.

Anyways, it'll be a while before the new layout goes up. Only the front page has been conceptualized. It's also a lot smaller. I'm probably going to change quite a bit about my navigation in the upcoming updates, even when I go back to the main layout I have. So, I don't expect it to be up until maybe even spring? I don't know. I don't want to put a time limit on it. I'll try to post a few articles I have on the backburner because I've been meaning to get to them. For now though, I'll be working on stuff and probably watching the last 2 anime I need to catch up on. Needless to say, while I enjoy March comes in like a Lion, I don't particularly like the new Urusei Yatsura. But I'll try. Watching status is 13 out of 22 and 5 out of 23 at the moment so, I think I can finish it. I'll probably put my New Years Resolution soon. Still kind of debating on that. I guess I should really figure out what I want to finish within a year.

Slacker Strikes Again

19 Dec, 2025

So, I won't lie, I've been pretty lazy recently when it comes to my site. It's almost unbearable to me, and yet here I am. Usually having something up leaves this like itch of making sure it's finished, but I keep thinking in my brain that I'm kind of stuck in this unfinished state. And yet, I know that I must be patient with the content that I put out. After all, it's not stuff that can go up overnight. So much of it is stuff that I need to take time on or can't just do easily in a day, considering the heavy media focus of my site and all. And yet still, my brain is like "No, we gotta finish finish finish it all." So getting that to calm down is probably for the best.

But at the same time there's a sense of burnout. I feel like when I see other people's sites, there's so much of themselves on their stuff. Meanwhile at most, I have maybe a few sections where I talk about things here and there, but at times I feel like not a lot of myself is on here. Ironic, considering this is a blog. I'm sure you're like "oh, I thought only this small section is a blog," but no, the entire thing is just yapping about my feelings on media.

Maybe it's time for a new layout. Something I feel I can easily expand if needed. I said I'd do a new one, but originally I just wanted the same layout but a bit more responsive friendly for accessibility. This time though, maybe it's time to do something entirely new.

Dunno if it'll fix the burnout though.

At the very least, wondering if I should at the very least make a more expanded section about FF14 or something. Who knows.

I might take a hiatus until then? Or not. I don't know if I want to take one. I will say that I did get all my crafters & gatherers to 100 and I'm leveling my alt jobs. I did 2 of my remaining ones, and I'm nearly through Black Mage. Pictomancer comes next, and then it's pretty much all my melee other than Samurai.

I did play a bit with the new glamour system finally though. I didn't take any really nice pictures. But I signed up for Eorzea Collection, so I'll have to take some in the future. I also need to get back to my NG+ so idk maybe I'll finally do that and the 5 million other things I keep thinking I should do. Who knows though.

IDK I'm just rambling bout things as usual. Maybe I'll just sit down and do some stuff now that game is on maintenance for another 2 hours. I promise I'll do a bit more after Christmas.

It's like a drug

16 Dec, 2025

I knew that it was only natural that the hard part of not being able to raid was going to come up. I didn't think it'd be the instant I read the patch notes. But I'm going to also assume that I only feel hype now, and by the time raid actually releases and I've had time to really think on what I actually desire, it'll probably be easier. But goddamn Yoshida you sure do make a persuasive argument as to why I should keep subbing to your damn game for another 4 months or so...

Me when I see Whmmer change

All the fucking changes I would have killed for ages ago when I was actively playing being made only now that I don't have time to play this damn game anymore. Not even that it matters, I know what tends to happen. I just get fucking burnt out. I'm just kind of dying over the fact that right now I actually want to play (probably because moving away from people that refuse to do things outside of their select group is literally a breath of fresh air) I haven't really y'know, made the effort to get into a group, because I just didn't want to commit to something or have to make either really bad time choices. And even then it's just like... IDK, I don't wanna spend like 3+ months farming something. God.

I was going to jokingly say I'm suffering here but I'm just like "ehh it'll probably pass with time." But yeah, this journal is my way of saying I uh... I just have a lot of WIP stuff that I'm kinda playing in the meanwhile before putting out a slew of content. I'll probably do stuff related to some of the games I've been playing somewhat soon, but between FFXIV & Legends Z-A I've been a bit busy. I also might finally finish up my recent Halo playthorugh again so I can kind of get an article out related to that and some feelings, but that also means looking into Campaign Evolved and just... Man I still am kind of irritated when it comes to that topic. IDK, I haven't seen a lot of Halo fans on the indieweb outside of mentions, but I'm so curious to know how other people feel about Halo these days. Sometimes I can't help but feel a bit awkward when I constantly specify that I'm solely into Bungie's work on Halo and I have a huge disdain for Microsoft's contributions because so many people are like "Oh it's not that deep" and "You're one of those people who's just never satisifed" and stuff like that. IDK I suppose I'm ... would "stubborn" be the right term here? I don't think it is. I just have a preference that's all.

I guess other than that, I'm off to hopefully get some crafting done once servers go back up. Going to watch some anime while I do all that, so I can finish my watching goal for December as well hahahahaaaaa There's not enough hours in a day I feel.

New house

10 Dec, 2025

Nothingburger entry here, but it's whatever lol. I'll probably get back to my work on my site soon enough. I think I'm a little burnt out, so taking a break to play other things might be good for me. But I still want to, at the very least, check off some of my very long checklist. After all, I'm very close. I need to work on reviews still, but considering I'm getting a new camera for Christmas, I think I'll be doing new reviews then. For now, I'll just work on some of the other things.

Also here's a picture of my new in game house

Empyreum Ward 19, plot 11 in Hyperion (Primal Datacenter, NA). It's the same exact plot, mostly because I really like outside being Dangoulain's Devotion. Most of the design is the same, with minor differences. If you play XIV in NA, come visit.

I think voting ends for Petra's contest soon. I don't think I'll win, but I'm excited to see the results.

Other than that, 4 more anime on my watchlist to get through in the next 21 days? I think I can do it.

Edit:

So I went looking on MFC at stuff and I sure noticed that wow that sure is the Kaiba prototype painted.

Yeah I really want him LOL

And so, we start anew

08 Dec, 2025

To say that I hit a point of absolute rock bottom the other night when it came to my experiences with MMOs would be... An overexaggeration. It's completely blowing it out of proportion. But for the last few days, I definitely felt like that. It's strange how the simple act of being on a video game can drag out such strange feelings. Moreso than that though, there's the people aspect that factors into it. And I think that's moreso the root of it. I've always struggled to understand people, and struggled to get them to understand me. I don't know how to put my actual feelings into words. I've struggled with this immensely over my life. And when the frustration is hard to voice and gets caught in my throat, if I can even articulate said words without seeming cold and distant, it just turns to tears. Even now, I feel a struggle on trying to talk, trying to communicate the absolute despair I've felt when it came to a video game and the lack of acceptance of my own achievements, and yet the dismissal of others. I can't really put into words how I feel. Even typing it all now, I still feel this awkward shame. Like I want to be proud of myself, but it's hard to be proud of myself. And it doesn't help when the group you surrounded yourself with gives you absolute silence when it comes to said achievements.

So I left.

As in, I just went to another server and decided to hang out with people I used to play and talk about other things with.

I don't know how active I'll be, but having the invite to other FCs is nice. Feeling wanted is nice. Knowing I can be around and have interests other than this game is just... nice.

At the end of the day, I just want to take my time and breathe and not be married to a virtual world. Especially one I've tied a lot of my self worth to for no real reason. Moving away from others was the best way for me to do this, I feel. I want to move on from things in a healthy way, and not be quitting because I'm so exhausted from everything, or have such complicated feelings.

For now though uh... I just kinda walked into a different server and bought a house, so I suppose I'll busy myself with that. And art. Because uh, I finally got around to working on a new commission sheet (even though I started spiraling on my own artistic ability oops).

Anyways I gotta go decorate and maybe sleep. I'll post my house when I'm done decorating. Still Empyreum at Dangoulain's Devotion, btw. I love my beautiful wife...

Reflection

05 Dec, 2025

Tl;dr: The inevitable XIV quitting crashout post liveletter.

So, if theres one thing I need to really acknowledge about myself, it's how much of a hypocrite I can be. But in this moment, I'd like to be a hypocrite. So humor me, as I actually bear my all when it comes to this topic. It's definitely been at a boiling point for some time, and it's about to spill over. So it's a now or never thing.

I've talked repeatedly about quitting XIV--At least when it comes to raiding that is. I should specify that while I am specifically quitting the raid side, I'll still be around occasionally to do things here and there, but probably not all that much. But I do want the distinction to be known that it's not a 100% outright refusal to play the game. However, I think I also have to address part of how I view this game. For the last few years of my life, XIV has become nothing but raiding. When I'm not in a raid, I really have nothing to do in this game. I couldn't help but wonder if that's an unhealthy way to view the game. Many people have pointed out to me "XIV is not solely raids." And I mean, yeah that's an unshakable truth. You're right. XIV doesn't exist only for Savage and Ultimate raid difficulties and nothing else. There is a plethora of things to do, and I don't view everyone's XIV needs as being the same.

However, I think people mistakenly misinterpret my needs and what I derive enjoyment from in this game. XIV can be fun for lore, for the photogenic aspects, for the clothing and glamour, for the crafting, the socializing, the decorating, so on so forth. But while those things are all neat, I've always enjoyed an aspect of challenge that end game difficulty brings in MMOs. It was the thing I personally strived for, and thus when I say "I'm quitting" and I mean "I'm no longer able to maintain a healthy balance between the game and my personal life and thus I cannot do endgame raiding like I once did." But others will see "I'm quitting" as "I refuse to play this game and partake in it's world any longer," and some have even tried to argue the point that stopping raiding isn't the same because "well there's so many other things to do."

Yes, you're right. There is a lot of other things to do. But I don't want to actually do them. Or at least, I don't want to do them in the way I am currently doing them now, but I still don't want to do a majority of them.

Like, every one treats me talking like I want to quit as this sudden lashing out where I'm just going to go back on it. And it sucks because I don't really feel like I'm taken seriously. I've wanted to quit since the end of 6.2 and now that we're done with Bahamut as of 1 month ago, I'm just like "Yeah I'm done." Like, maybe I'll come back if people want to do DSR near the end of 7.55, but I doubt it? I don't think I'm going to not be burnt out by then.

I guess that's the thing. It's burnout. But it's also not quite that.

I've spent the last month talking to friends I haven't in a long time about things. About stuff we used to do in other MMOs and just do for fun. About the silly things like just chatting, or getting wrapped up in exploring. Having fun just buying clothes or trying to earn money. I actually was told that it's strange that I can hop on Mabinogi and play alone and have a decent time but with XIV I act like that idea is always so unapproachable. And it's true. For some reason, my mind can't wrap itself around the idea that quitting means either playing solely alone and doing nothing or going balls to the wall on some raid.

I don't know when I got like that.

But I think, deep down, that's always been there.

It's like this nagging idea that I have to prove myself. That I have to prove my worth. Or even just my existence. That my mark upon the game is basically my achievements and nothing else. And I have never allowed myself the grace of actually being proud. I mean, truth be told, I don't think I've ever actually been proud of any of my achievements in game. I've taken them all for granted, like it was a given that I'd have these things. And it's weird to step back and actually look at it all and just be like "why am I not actually proud of myself for doing this?" "Why do I not actually mean the boasting I put out there?" But most of all, "Why am I able to acknowledge the achievements of others for what they are, but constantly downplay my own achievements as if they mean nothing?"

It's hard. And I think deep down, it's really just gotten to me. But when we finally cleared Bahamut, even if I was excited, it just felt like a checklist at times. Like, I acknowledged that getting that clear was almost a retribution for the things that other people had told me. How I'd never clear an ultimate, how I'd never be accepted into savage groups, how nobody wants someone who cares about parses, that I could only ever do things if I was babied as a white mage, and that I could never play another role that wasn't healer. I proved my point, that I could rise above all of that, but I just feel hollow.

And then I ran away.

I feel like I'm always reaching for a ghost of something that isn't tangible. That's not there. It's within my grasp. And I'll embrace any darkness to attempt to get to that ghost. But even after being so steeped in that darkness, I can't find it. There's no sign of it. Only the darkness remains to comfort my soul, if it's even that.

It's so stupid. I feel so empty. Quitting a game (not even a game, just it's fucking main content) shouldn't make you feel empty. I should be glad, I have time to spend on other projects. I have time to seek out other media. I have time to make new friends and do other things. And it's not like I'm not wanted. I've recieved invites to come play with others in a more casual way. In ways that I actually might want to play, like just exploring, or reading through things, or even fishing. And yet, I feel so hollow. So bitter.

Part of me wonders if the bitterness doesn't come from the Liveletter and all the new changes being implemented. The removal of glamour restrictions is nice. So is the addition of an in game raid planner to read through. No longer will we be forced into having a pastebin link with more links to sift through to attempt to learn things.

But I think it's more than that. I think the problem lays with myself and my own issues.

I've never been one to practice forgiving ones self. Even though I've had things to help me realize that struggle, I've never actually like, sat down and tried to accept some of that stuff in full. I always judge my own shortcomings so harshly. I've had people tell me I'm so forgiving of other people's issues, but have this no tolerance mentality when it comes to myself. I don't know what causes it. I don't know why games of all things bring it out the worst in me. It's weird. I don't know if I'm even considered skilled or anything. I'm just at the point where my performance in XIV has fallen so low that I can't help but laugh. Last expac, I would have never dared to think this way. And yet this time around, I have fully embraced not caring and giving up. Because there's this certain exhaustion to giving a shit about what a number on a random website that a select few may judge you by.

And yet, for some reason, my brain assumes everyone can just see all those failures. Like everyone's looking, pointing, and laughing. It's weird, but at the same time it frightens me. So I lash out by saying I don't care. "I quit." "That site doesn't matter." "Those aren't my main job anyways." And yet they're still etched into my soul. That permanent fear of just being observed in the most unflattering way possible. Attempting to own it only goes so far, but most people think I come off as standoffish when it comes to that topic, and maybe I am. But it's just that deep fear of being seen and judged by all for said failings.

Hell, maybe I come off as that way by default. I won't lie, as much as I enjoy reading other people's content when it comes to FFXIV when it comes to Neocities and even Nekoweb, I do get afraid when it comes to interacting. I'm always looking for other people on this site that have come close to--or are maybe even further in their achievements with this game than me. And looking for their experiences with the such. But I've found no such people. The ones I have seen that have at least cleared 1 Ultimate don't really have blogs, and if they do, they don't seem to talk about XIV as much. And thus, I can't help but feel alone. I find myself desperately searching, looking, and even wanting to hold a hand out to talk to others about their experience, to know if anyone has dealt with this issue--No this desperate inadequacy when it comes to accepting that they've prevailed against numerous challenges thrown at them and whether or not they take valor or in it, or if they're like me, and have a deep sense of shame that they dress as pride, and thus they inflate their ego to such a sense that it wards off anyone else because they're afraid of what they might hear.

I won't lie, when it comes to this topic, I feel like I'm drowning at the bottom of the ocean. I reach my hand up, but it's so dark down here, that nobody will see it.

Until then, I suppose I will struggle alone with this feeling. The weird and deep shame that I try to disguise as pride for my achievements, and the will to carry on casually, but attempting to turn my back on the content I once loved, and feeling slightly more hollow for doing so. And I'll tell myself "It's okay, I don't have time anyways." "It's okay, I need to do better for my health--Both physically and mentally." But something will always be there. And it'll be that same tangled black mess that has me swaying back and forth on my feelings of quitting and if I truly want it.

And yet, I can't help but want to chase the same feeling I felt back then. But at the same time, I'm so conflicted. Why does it feel like nothing has ever come close? Why does it feel like I can't have that anymore? Why does it feel like I'm regurgitating the same memories over and over again? Why is my brain telling me that nothing in my life will ever be like that? I'm only in my 30's. The average lifespan of a human being is to their 80s. But my mind keeps playing over the experiences from a video game over and over in my head while repeating all kinds of foul stuff to me. It whispers to me my inadequacies, my failures, my shortcomings, the things that simply cannot be fixed through sheer willpower alone. Everything I had to overcome to even get those clears.

It's frustrating.

My brain keeps telling me the worst, and it's over a game of all things. There's no limit to me going back in with others. There's really nothing preventing it. There's parties up all the time. I know this for a fact. And yet I put these weird walls up, aside from just my lack of time in the day, but how my brain just says I don't remember, I can't do it, there's no point. And most of all "What if I make a mistake?"

It's stupid.

These fights aren't cleared by reading something and having instant perfection. They're memorized dance numbers, where you perform to the best of your abilities and clear the hurdles one by one. It's a marathon that occurs over 20 minutes and you have to prove that you have the stamina to do so. Prog usually takes somewhere from 60-80 hours for some of these fights on average. There isn't just a mistake, there's millions of mistakes, and by all sorts of people. The entire process of going through it is to make mistakes and to learn. And I've done well to tell anyone else that asks me how to go about challenging all of this the same thing. That mistakes are inevitable, that they're part of the process, and you'll be better for being accepting and having patience towards others.

And yet I won't even afford the same patience to myself.

It's hypocritical. I hate myself, and then I trap myself in that self loathing, and think back to the good things rather than moving forward.

And thus, I am trapped in an endless feedback loop, of self loathing for quitting due to things outside of my own circumstances, and a lack of forgiveness towards wanting to be involved and be here.

We live in hell.

I don't need any more plushies, but...

03 Dec, 2025

I have been getting a lot better at seeing things and not thinking in my little monkey brain that I instantly need them or like they're so going to improve my life just by their presence alone. Insane take for someone who collects figures, I know. But every once in a while, despite having no more possible space for plushes outside of the occasional new tiny thing I decide I want (read as: Yugioh merch), something shows up and my neurons start firing and go "Need that."

It's like every year, I fall victim to the same thing over and over again. Last year, it was the adorably cute Pikachu in a christmas sweater for their holiday set that sold out instantly (I'm still mad about it, by the way.) This year, it's actually from a collaboration they had in Japan but being redistributed here. I don't care though. I need him.

So anyways what if I finally opened those commissions because I really really want him (and I know if I ask anyone in my family for him, they're just going to not order it or put it off to the last minute when it sells out...)

Part of me wants to say I'm kidding but I know I should probably. But I won't lie, it's been about a month since I've drawn anything, so maybe I should warm up...